why?

as a human being, one (especially me) cannot run from questioning about whatever that has been destined by Allah for us..

why can't i get pregnant without having to feel like this?everyday is about 'jelepekness'..mual luga terbalik..pening berpusing2..semput..everytime..24/7..i forced myself to do things around the house but failed most of the time..kept repeating the word sorry and thank you so much to beloved husband..*isk*

coming back to my senses (slapping both of my balooning cheeks) Allah has given the most precious gift ever, having the chance to give dear husband another bundle of joy and a younger sibling for darling aqil who is getting more independent as ever is something so priceless (despite the agonizing pain when giving birth wuwu)..all the things that i had to go through now remind me more of Allah and made me appreciate my husband more and hopefully he will too..*hugs*

why do i now have to be thinking or forced to hold my semesters due to my condition? a few close friends from ukm kept calling me asking me what subjects i'm taking this semester nak together2 lalala through the semester..huhu..sedih pikir kalau tak grad same2 and amik difficult subjects same2 so that boleh pening and work hard together..tapi rase mcm nak kuatkan semangat utk pegi juga sambung jgk my semesters..huhu..

coming back to my senses maybe it will be a good thing if i postpone but the whole year tu yg buat den raso borat sikit eh..huhu..but can i manage to drive or maybe go by bus and naik turun train before reaching kajang..huhu..pening2..and haven't make up my mind yet over this matter...

why does japan have to have really strict rules for pregnant mothers to board a plane form their airport????huhu..ayuni and my abengoh decided to go to japan for their honeymoon in may so we decided to tag along as dear husband was excitedly saying 'bile lagi yang jom pegi ramai2' siap suruh ajak mak ayah segala bagai..so we decided yeah jom since its during school holidays and the ticket price was reasonable for the three of us..aqil's ayahchik tak sabar nak bawak aqil pegi disneyland sume so best!so the tickets were bought online and the TAC number had been keyed in and just about to click the CONFIRM button for the purchase of the tickets, my darling brother called from japan telling me in frustrations about the whole procedures for pregnant women when boarding a plane from japan..japan highly cares for people coming in and out of their country up to a level where pregnant women should have a check up and get confrimation from their hospitals saying that we are fine enough to board the plane..and that will cost an additional hospital fee of Allah knows how much..my darling adik din asked 'kaklong if 5 months pregnant nampak tak because kalau tak nampak kite pregnant diorg takkan question' and i went 'kaklong kalau tak pregnant pun perut dah mcm berape bulan if 5 bulan pregnant dah nampak mcm nak beranak kot haha!'..and there goes our japan getaway..

coming back to my senses well i guess Allah wants us to use the money for other purposes especially for the new baby and insyaAllah we will get there some other day as adik din is going to be staying there for another few more years insyaAllah!maybe rezeki anak no.2 untuk sampai kesana together with us hehe..*sobsjugaksikit*

anyway, leaving the whys and now thinking of the word how. how am i supposed to hold on to my senses to be in the car for more than 20 minutes for our journey back to kb huhu..will be going back to see the specialist and to meet mak..adeh..may Allah help us through our journey back...amin..

my bittersweet 2012

salam, hello.

since i've not been able to write that frequent nowadays, so a lot has happened since my last entry.

december started of with assignments buzzing, flying to and fro every weekend for my  ukm classes, wedding favors and wedding matters which ended up with a beautiful wedding for my one and only baby sister. we did everything by ourselves and were proud of all of them. alhamdulillah. now we are blessed with a loving abe ngoh and my sister has never been so happy.

hello january and it is now february. *teary eyed* i am missing my mak so much who has gone away for umrah with her four best friends (hoping that i'll get to do the same with my own bestfriends one day)..in fact i am missing everybody at home and mak's cooking especially. will be starting the new semester end of this month. have paid the fees but have not yet registered the subjects and at this moment, am not even sure whether i can proceed my semester anymore.

alhamdulillah, these two months have given us joy. we are welcoming a new member into our small family. hello my 8 weeks baby. ibu loves you so much already. but there's also another element inside my tummy that is growing along with the baby. Allah, please guide us and let me be strong enough to go through this one. i will be strong if its only that 'thing', but with the little one needing space and lot's of love and support from me, i guess stronger is the word, not giving up and being all wobbly and sad all the time.

i guess Allah has prepared quite an experience for me this time. wanting me to analyse what i have done and not done along the way. but dear Allah, there is just one thing, please keep my little one safe from any harm. and keep me safe and as healthy as i might be to be with my husband, darling aqil and the little one. (ibu is secretly hoping for a girl, but a boy would be just as much wonderful). abang aqil is also hoping for a sister. his new habit is kissing my tummy and talking to the baby.

well, i guess Allah Maha Mengetahui, and hopefully i'll be able to go through all these. and thank you to my one and only husband who had been helping with all the house matters and taking care of aqil, and also the 24/7 sickness of a pregnant wife. hanya Allah yang dapat balas jasa abang. *iloveyousomuch*

*a dedication to my baby bro*

haha mesti aiman marah dapat title *babybro*..adeh..we are missing you so much adik..Allah knows how much..;)

so for this entry i would like to dedicate it especially to you..

i could still recall the day when you were born..it was in the month of june and i was in my standard 4..we used to go to school with this arwah makcik mah yg mak ayah bayar to send and pick us up from school who lives near our house..so on the way back we actually went to the hospital to pick you and mak as at that juncture of time ayah was away for a meeting in kuala lumpur..i could remember mak being in pain for quite some time and the delivery was quite hard for her but hey..she got you in the end so it was worth the pain;)

when we went back home your abg din (who was 5 years old at that time and sgt manja) was there with his masam face..so the moment we took his bakul pakaian to put his clothes away and put yours in (the new baby in the house ahahaha)  he ran to makcik ani's house and cried his heart out adeh sedih pulak ingat balik..he felt left out i guess lagi2 ayah pun was away so he had no one to turn to and be hugged and soothed;)

so after one or two days mcm tu and when ayah was still away and he was getting back home from his meeting we got a call from ayah saying that he had gotten the opportunity to go further his studies abroad..i was quite small (ceh perasan nampak sgt tak matang) so i don't really get too excited but i could feel the small adrenaline as i get to travel far and be on an aeroplane for the very first time in my life ;)..so with that ayah came back and we named you aiman which means yang bertuah..and you seemed to be very lucky as when people started coming to our house a few days before we flew off to england (there were lots of them) people tend to give you money (which is kelantan people punye custom whenever we visit babies if tak bagi hadiah mesti bagi duit) and your money was so very the many!how cool is that kan..mmg bertuah adik kaklong sorg ni..hehe..alhamdulillah..kene dgn nama yg mak ayah pilih..

so off we went to newcastle upon tyne which was berbelas hours punye journey..we took a plane to heathrow and later we got onto a smaller plane off to newcastle..it was very tiring and we suffered great jet lag but things over there were breathtakingly beautiful although it was a bit cold.it was autumn when we arrived.so adik mea,you may not remember much what we did and where we went while we were there but there was one moment which i remembered the most as it was a really sad and difficult time for me..it was when adik ibrahim died in mak's tummy just as he was gonna meet us..so mak and ayah had to be in the hospital as mak had to deliver arwah adik ibrahim just as if he was going to be born like the usual..so kakngah, adik din, you and me had to stay at makcik hendon's house just in front of ours at that time..and that night you cried like crazy everybody including makcik hendon's family and other malaysian families yg berdekatan who came to stay at makcik hendon's house to be with us got really worried and we tried everything to make you stop..sampailah i can't remember which makcik who asked us to wrap you up with kain sarung batik mak..and you stopped crying and later ayah came back telling us everything was alright with tears in his eyes..i remember i cried hard that time thinking how we missed mak and that we had lost adik ibrahim..but i know he'll be waiting for mak and ayah later so we got on and he is missed every now and then;) you were such a cute little baby when we were living in england as you would have this pink chubby cheek..sgt comel..and mmglah if  we are living in the UK our skin akan jadi sgt cantik wuwu..

so a few years have passed and you've grown up to be a cute little boy and i could still remember your kindergarten years..we had only one car at that moment and mak didn't have her driving licence yet so every morning (okay rase nak nangis) mak would carry you on the back of her bicycle (yg ade raga kat depan) up to the main road, and then ride a bus and drop you off kat kindergarten tu..huhu..nilai kasih sayang seorang mak kan..and yet we still make her sad at times wuwu..

so time moved fast and one moment you're in your prefect outfit having a blast during your primary school years and one moment you're all chubby and then got thinner when you were in sic and one moment you were independently living your life in mrsm kuantan..you got thinner and taller..and further away from us..like now..adeh *sobsob*

well adik mea, it has been great and will always be great to watch what you do and encounters that you come upon while living your life. you made great friends who are so close to you (and that you guys make an awesome band!) that they sanggup hantar you at the airport when you were flying off at three in the morning with their smiling face, warm hugs and loving pats of the back when they were saying their last goodbyes..i could still remember me hugging you tightly and hearing you say 'jgn mcm ni long jgn mcm ni long i'm trying my best ni long not to cry'..it was hard for me to say goodbye because i really feel that you are not old enough to go venture yourself to the outside world full of strangers and to a place you've never been before..will you adapt well will you have good friends will you eat well will you be strong enough to face any hardships which would come in your way?it breaks my heart to recently heard that your abang din actually faced quite difficulties when tsunami hit japan..it breaks my heart to face the fact that my two younger baby brothers are far away and that when you needed us we could not be there physically with you;( *sobsoblagi*..)

well, if i could, i'd like to have all my adik2 to be near me which is impossible lah kan..dah rezeki adik2 kaklong yang ditetapkan oleh Allah and itulah yang terbaik utk adik mea sendiri..i am missing you so much that i tend to regret for not spending more time with you..i love you so much..i hope you'll be just fine there protected by Allah..i hope you will remember all of our pesanan and yes insyaAllah i will upload the 'video' for you soon;)..

adik, take care, ingat Allah, jgn tinggal solat..keep us posted okay?i love you.

lots of love;
your one and only kaklong.

*second baby tralala*

this entry is inspired by iva's blog entitled third baby something something (could not remember the post when writing this). i've got quite a number of questions in relations to my second baby..well the answer is i am dying to have one. i would like to have another baby so much that it hurts a bit to see other people holding babies snuggling warmly in their arms. i miss the days when i could feel the little one kicking inside of me, the look and attention i'd get from others just because i'm having this huge tummy..i'd like to have another child blessed by Allah, for us to nurture him or her to be a good muslim, a good child and with charateristics that we could be proud of.senang kate sejuk perut ibu mengandung. we are still having great and fabulous adventure of being the best parent we could be for our darling aqil whom we love so much Allah knows how much that it brings tears to my eyes when i think of how much i love him. in fact both suami tersayang and i had shed quite bucket full of tears for aqil just because we love him so much (tetibe pening dgn the phrase so much). in seeing, helping and nurturing aqil to be his true self and practising whats best for him for now in this world and in the hereafter, we stumble and fall and fail few times and we regreted for the mistakes we did, are doing and will be doing but hey..we are human beings and whatever happens no other love can put away our love for our son aqil. except for Allah yang sememangnya maha menyayangi..

having a second baby would be a true blessing as you can never exchange the feelings and happiness of being a parent with anything in this world..having another small cuddly human being calling you 'mom' 'ibu' and sometimes 'yang' 'sayang' (when copying the father calling the mother by the name) is something that soothes your heart..you'll feel as if you had your dreams coming true and etc..having them hugging and kissing you with no reason ( i do get that nowadays more than from en suami which i joke to him a lot on that matter and he admits he gets the same from aqil (more) too hahaha i love you sayang)..having the little one come running to you just because kene marah by any of us (marah2 sayang) or most of the time when i marah2 aqil would come clinging at me adeh cair hati ibu sayang..my sister would always marah and menyampah saying 'la tadi marah lepas tu hug2 kiss2 pulak kaklong kaklong' hehe..wait till you yourself be a mom yang'..

up until now i am still not proud of my parenting skills cause i know  i have flaws and there are soo many young parents out there who seem to be doing very well with their parenting job huhu..so that brings me to a question whether if i am given the chance to have another baby does that make me to a better parent along the way?huhu..can i be better for both aqil and the new little one?will i be able to complete my semesters if i'm blessed with another baby? how are we gonna cope with the new baby my studies aqil and the fact that i either had to leave the baby to mak or abang alone with aqil tagging along?will i have enough money time and love and affection to be divided on all of my priorities?will i face more pains and strecthes and stiches when delivering? will i can i??

more questions. questions. and questions. yes that is me. a human being trying to be a better muslim, wifey, mother and daughter, sister and friend. always with questions and excuses. always. neglecting the fact that it is Allah who knows what is best for us. neglecting the fact that every child comes with rezeki from Allah. neglecting the fact that every problem had a solution. neglecting the fact that avery hardships faced will teach you to be a better person inside and out. neglecting the fact that everything would eventually be alright as you have your loved ones with you. neglecting the fact that when you are in an uphill battle and you are facing the toughest times of your life, you have Allah to turn to, helping to ease your worries and sorrows.

well, to sum up, insyaAllah we are ready for a second baby. if Allah blesses us with one, Alhamdulillah syukur ya Allah. and if we are not, maybe Allah has a better plan for us. and Alhamdulillah..as each day goes by, i'm ready to 'upgrade' or do things here and there in becoming a better muslim. thank you Allah kerana telah menggerakkan hati hamba Mu ini sedikit demi sedikit..semoga Allah menguatkan hati ini untuk terus mengekalkan ape yang terbaik dan diredhaiMu ya Allah..;)

*it's been a while again ey?*

asal nak start writing mesti terfikir ayat it's been a while sebab mmg dah lame tak menulis huhu..hello there..mmg lah it's been a while sgt..as for me..nothing has changed no second baby yet (although i am dying to have one wuwu) more semesters to go belum habis lagi buat masters all of that except for the fact that i'm getting fatter and i am starting to get really fed up of myself meaning that something needs to be done fast especially when your sister's wedding is getting near..bile dah ade wedding ramai yg berkumpul letih nak menjawab soalan sambil terase sorg2 bile orang cakap what happen to you kenape gemuk sangat kenape jadi mcm ni lalalalala.

little aqil (whom i'm gonna have to stop calling him little aqil as he's getting bigger and bigger so fast!) is getting smarter and more independent..i did not foresee that he would grow up into a loving, compassionate and caring person (except for the fact that his toys are his toys and other people's toys are also his toys)..huhu he does not know how to share and am really trying to teach him slowly on that huhu..setiap kali other kids are crying because of little aqil i would feel guilty for not training my little one on giving and sharing blergh. anyway on the good side he's also getting really independent knowing what to do by himself..huhu..but his kemanjaan makin menjadi2 walaupun independent at the same time..of all those things, i love you sayang *hugs and kisses*. and i love you more as now you are slowly replacing 'Mum' to 'Ibu'..hehe..that means a lot sayang..as much as i love the word 'Mum', 'Ibu' has been my dream word since forever bebeh hehe.

september equals to joyful and blissful raya, get together, reunions and all the sweet little things which bring great meanings to my life. however, september is also when my adik man would be flying away and away and my adik din also had gone back to tokyo and am missing him so much already. and september also means there are two months plus2 before ayuni's wedding and things are gonna be hectic because there are a lot of things to do as we decided to do most of the things by ourselves huhahuha..perasan kreatif tapi kami sgt excited!okay tapi rasa sedih sikit isk isk. and my new semester is starting tomorrow adeh sgt demotivated..so on friday before going back home i decided to indulge myself doing things i love going lalalaing at ikea buying things for aqil and hunting for aqil's carseat jugak nak kene tukar baru susah betul nak jumpe yg berkenan adeh..so yes ikeaing without aqil does mean i'm free from running around and it'll be quiet without aqil shrieking and crying his heart out but it'll be no fun..tapi nak pegi juga huhu.

again i really am thankful for all that i have but i am still praying and hoping that Allah will bless our lives with all the things in life..dreams are too many but hopefully Allah will grant one of our dreams whether it is sooner or later..now or never..if it is a 'never' maybe Allah has planned something better..my dreams will always be inside of me..it's never wrong to keep those dreams ey?;)

my bubbly aqil

my life



a reflection

time flies so fast. we are already reaching August and my new semester is starting soon! oh boleh tak kalau nak kate malas huhu..i love my state of life now spending lots and lots of time with darling aqil and my ridzuan adeh..keep telling him how i wanted to take only classes on friday and thursday so that i can angkut aqil and him with me everytime i attend my classes huhu..

well, a lot had happened. am gaining more weight..aqil had an operation but now he is getting bigger and talks more and more (alhamdulillah)..my little sister is getting married to her childhood sweetheart (isk isk sedih)..my youngest brother is flying away this september(isk isk sedih lagi)..my third brother is coming home for raya (alhamdulillah yeay!)..and i would like to have another baby but shiver at the thought of ulang alik to kl alone with a big bump huhu..deep in my heart i really want another baby..well..let's just leave it to Allah then kan?after all Allah knows whats best for us..

i'm getting older too..and ramadhan will be here soon..hopefully  this year we will get more berkat and pahala and will be able to do more amalan and etc. i've set special goals for this ramadhan and hopefully i'll be able to complete them with Allah's will.

come to think  of it, throughout our lives, there are always goals and plans being made. but of course Allah yg tentukan semuanye..and seeing how certain things don't go the way we wanted or they did go well and in fact better than we expected them to be, it makes us to be amazed at how Allah work things out for us. amazed, but i sometimes am not living as a good muslim, practising whatever i should be. alhamdulillah solat 5 waktu yes checked but did i do good in the five acts of my everyday life up until now?the solat hajat, solat tahajud, solat dhuha,the increasing pages of al-quran recitation everytime, going to more ceramah agama etc..those are my goals but haven't yet been achieved.

reflection, reflection, reflection. up until now, i feel like i haven't really been a good wife, daughter, mother, sister and friend and most importantly sebagai hamba Allah. starting things anew for this ramadhan and for the months to come (don't wanna just be good during ramadhan but after the month ends jadi kureng balik nauzubillah)..Ya Allah..guide me please?will my goal for this one be achieved? well, it is up to Allah..and my usaha as well..amin..

Jika tiba bulan Ramadhan, maka dibuka pintu-pintu syurga dan ditutup pintu-pintu neraka dan dibelenggu semua syaitan (HR. Bukhari dan Muslim).

"bulan Ramadhan, bulan yang di dalamnya diturunkan Al Quran sebagai petunjuk bagi manusia dan penjelasan-penjelasan mengenai petunjuk itu dan pembeda (antara yang hak dan yang bathil). Karena itu, barangsiapa di antara kamu hadir (di negeri tempat tinggalnya) di bulan itu, m...aka hendaklah ia berpuasa pada bulan itu, dan barangsiapa sakit atau dalam perjalanan (lalu ia berbuka), maka (wajiblah baginya berpuasa), sebanyak hari yang ditinggalkannya itu, pada hari-hari yang lain. Allah menghendaki kemudahan bagimu, dan tidak menghendaki kesukaran bagimu. Dan hendaklah kamu mencukupkan bilangannya dan hendaklah kamu mengagungkan Allah atas petunjuk-Nya yang diberikan kepadamu, supaya kamu bersyukur" [2:185]

(copied and pasted from AMIR Japan)


Selamat Menyambut Ramadhan everyone..

my true first love

the first time i saw your face, you were covered with slimy white fat all over and was crying with your blue turning red face (as you were stucked for quite a while in the 'alley' as ibu faced quite a hard time pushing hehe)..i felt numb at that time due to the pain of pushing and i even passes out for a few seconds. but as i began coming into reality, i started to realize that your ayag was crying besides me telling me 'anak kite sayang anak kite sayang' and your nenek and mama came inside crying i then began to realise that you have arrived into this world to be with us and i began crying thanking Allah for the pain and the joy your bring. alhamdulillah..

now you are 2 years old sayang..time flies so fast and i fail to not being able to forget the days when i get to cuddle you as a baby.i miss the 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 and etc month of you.i miss your cooing and humming.aishh..i love you sayang..

well, just to note how you had to undergo a serious situation days before you turn 2. my heart was ripped and torn seeing you suffering from the agonizing pain. i never failed to ask for Allah to move the pain to me. but alhamdulillah, you were being very strong and you managed to overcome the difficult moments. i was strong because of you and your ayah. i could still remember on the night back from the kuantan specialist, with us knowing that you were in serious condition and we had to rush back to kota bharu for you to get warded, i was sitting in the back seat and your ayah was besides me and you were sleeping on your ayah's lap. i was crying uncontrollably because in my heart i knew that this thing about you was big and i just could not take it at that time. your ayah held out his hand and squeezed my hand tight and said to me'jgn nangis yang. it's gonna be alright. abang ade'. and he has tears dwelled up in his eyes. i cried even worse. but i grew stronger in my heart. deep down. but i want you to know that your ayah too cried hard. he stayed cool when we were on our way to the operation theatre. but then, when he assisted you into the pre-operation room and hold you until you were being put to sleep, he came out sobbing. those moments were tough for us sayang.

well, your ibu and ayah learned a lot of things from what the three of us had to go through for the past few weeks.Allah destined you to be sick and opened up our eyes on many things. we reflected back and we could see the things that we did wrongly and the good things that we did not do. we could see the real true friends who would ask about how you are doing everyday and came to see you despite their busy schedule and setbacks as compared to those who live nearby by do not even bother to come visit you. i don't really mind, but deep down in my heart it made me a bit sad. but on top of all that, you are healthy now and that's enough. but as stressed by your ayah, we should not do whatever that other people do to us (bad and hurtful things). we should learn from it and do not do what those people do to other people that we love. so that is why we still went to visit your aunty miza although you were having a fever at that time because we did not have any other time to go. although your aunty miza was fully recovered and can walk around laughing after the operation a month ago, we should visit her to show we care and love her. alhamdulillah, your fever lasted for only two days. can you see how Allah loves us sayang?;)

 alhamdulillah, those things make us to be better people. we must always remember that Allah will not make us face hardships that we cannot handle. we learn from what Allah has put us through. it changes a few things inside us.

and you, you are growing stronger and wiser each day. remember that we love you so much no matter what okay? we love you so much.